Demoralizing: Becoming a Burden

It can be so darn demoralizing some days when I think I’m stronger than I truly am. Today has been an excellent example sadly, it started the minute I woke up and continues until minutes before writing this very article. This little story involves a lot of weakness, pain, and small injuries throughout my day.

 

It all started this morning when I woke up on the couch on the first floor of my house, you see I’ve been sleeping outside my room because I’ve been falling quite frequently I mean 10-15 times in the past 3 days on tile, wood, carpet, and pavement. This morning knowing how weak I was I grabbed my cane and went to stand up, about halfway in a squatting sort of position I lost sensation in my knees and ankles and fell forwards. That was a fall onto carpet over tile so it wasn’t too bad but it exacerbated my rib and wrist pain again from my bad fall yesterday in the bathroom.

 

Little did I know that was only to be the start of my problems today. I then vomited my pain pills with water into a bag, nausea has been another battle for me, I’ve been vomiting about 2-8 times per day. Anyways I proceeded to the bathroom with help and have had help getting up and moving around anywhere ever since. However foolishly landscaping is being done and I wanted to be of some help or at least watch my dog run around outside. I don’t think that’s too much to ask but apparently my legs thought differently because similarly to earlier today I got up and collapsed immediately forwards onto grass/pavement. Once again exacerbating my left rib which may be fractured or broken due to the amount of pain there, luckily my wrist is only sprained. After some painkillers I finally feel well enough to write though I’m sure when they wear off i’ll pay for this.
The point is I feel like such a burden today which is wrong as a patient with invisible illnesses! I shouldn’t be feeling this way because I cannot control it these were mere mistakes. I just wish I didn’t feel so much guilt for falling on my heavy butt all the damn time. I just hope things take a turn for the better soon, my life is a living hell right now especially with this time limit on my life. Contemplating one’s own mortality and being able to relate to your grandfathers actions in talking about living wills and trusts etc. I just wish I wasn’t in this place in life, this horrid situation, I truly hope I find remission from Churg Strauss Syndrome someday soon.

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