I wish I could fight this wall of pain
I wish there was a fire exit out of my brain
but the control center has imploded
ladies and gentlemen my nerves have exploded
With nothing but pain and inflammation to look forward to each day
how do I even move on?
I suppose it’s the will to succeed that drives me
and all the patients that thrive off what I say
heck sometimes I even make someone’s day.
I no longer care much for myself anymore
I see myself as a death row patient awaiting punishment
12 years is all I have of people’s optimism I’;ll have none of it
None of them have had their will to live killed by churg strauss
combined with the other illnesses I carry there is no doubt
I have reasons for feeling the way I do and know all I see myself as is a writer for you.
My advocacy is all I have left nothing else in life is going right
every conversation about my future turns into a fight.
My family hates hearing that I’m going to die but it’ll be a burden off their shoulders in a few years
when Vasculitis causes me to say bye bye.
That I will die I no longer care that my family stays financially stable and doesn’t waste money on my treatment is what matters Im pouring poision into myself every day so just let me go the medicine will kill me anyway. I feel so dead inside so unalive, no will to love, no will to live, no will to struggle onward, no will to write these painful poems daily anymore, no will to help my fellow man when he’s seemingly forgotten and given up on me as so many have.
So with this poem I sadly say Michael is fading away his memory is weak, his vision unclear, his body limp, and his mind filled with fear.
The Michael you all knew the advocate, has gone into hiding in this time of pain and refuses to come out to boost my confidence again. I try and I try hard as I might I just can’t renew my passion to continue this fight.
Fatigue is winning something I know you dont want to hear but sometimes shit happens and that my friends is what happened here,