Broken & Beaten

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Remember to enter my contest for 2 pairs of FL-41 tinted Axon Optics glasses! 1-2 paragraphs on your migraine story and a pic is all I need! There is a pair of Mens and Womens glasses.

I wish I could fight this wall of pain

I wish there was a fire exit out of my brain

but the control center has imploded

ladies and gentlemen my nerves have exploded

With nothing but pain and inflammation to look forward to each day

how do I even move on?

I suppose it’s the will to succeed that drives me

and all the patients that thrive off what I say

heck sometimes I even make someone’s day.

I no longer care much for myself anymore

I see myself as a death row patient awaiting punishment

12 years is all I have of people’s optimism I’;ll have none of it

None of them have had their will to live killed by churg strauss

combined with the other illnesses I carry there is no doubt

I have reasons for feeling the way I do and know all I see myself as is a writer for you.

My advocacy is all I have left nothing else in life is going right

every conversation about my future turns into a fight.

My family hates hearing that I’m going to die but it’ll be a burden off their shoulders in a few years

when Vasculitis causes me to say bye bye.

That I will die I no longer care that my family stays financially stable and doesn’t waste money on my treatment is what matters Im pouring poision into myself every day so just let me go the medicine will kill me anyway. I feel so dead inside so unalive, no will to love, no will to live, no will to struggle onward, no will to write these painful poems daily anymore, no will to help my fellow man when he’s seemingly forgotten and given up on me as so many have.

So with this poem I sadly say Michael is fading away his memory is weak, his vision unclear, his body limp, and his mind filled with fear.

The Michael you all knew the advocate, has gone into hiding in this time of pain and refuses to come out to boost my confidence again. I try and I try hard as I might I just can’t renew my passion to continue this fight.

Fatigue is winning something I know you dont want to hear but sometimes shit happens and that my friends is what  happened here,

30 thoughts on “Broken & Beaten

  1. Michael I hope you don’t give up. I just started following you and look forward to more posts. I shared this little note with another blogger and after reading your poem wanted to share it with you.

    I have had many days of being in such excruciating pain, that, in the moment, I wanted to die…but only in the moment :). And then other days when I wake up after a severe episode of migraine I’m amazed and pleased.

    I wanted to share an article with you that gave me and continues to give me a reason to cope. It’s a reminder that the world without you and me wouldn’t be the same.

    I don’t know if you’re a religious person but I hope you will take a look at the article: http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/2009410?q=God+cares&p=par

    If you decide to read it, let me know what you think. Whether you agree or disagree and please feel free to ask any questions.

    There’s another article that I think you’ll also enjoy. I’ll go find it and post it after this.

    • My pain extends much further than any chronic migraine or cluster headache or even neuropathy I have all that progressing plus an incurable terminal illness. I gave up on a caring god a long time ago no logical argument can be made for one. I read all the religious books and find them to be more of morale guides than anything else. In other words religion is good as history for kids to learn,

      • I’ve met many others that feel as you do and I respect how you feel. And I completely understand if you don’t want to read the articles. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.

        In the past, I read an article that explains why God allows suffering. It answered this question for me: If God exists and is loving why is the world as it is? If you’d like the link I can find it for you. But if not again I respect your feelings and again I wish I could do more.

        I appreciate your contribution to the fight of chronic illness and hope you continue to cope.

  2. I found the other article, in fact there are four. If you’re in too much pain to read you can listen to them.
    Why go on living – http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201404/go-on-living-why/
    Because things change – http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201404/go-on-living-change/
    Because there is help – http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201404/go-on-living-help/
    Because there is hope – http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201404/go-on-living-hope/

    Again let me know if they help any. Take care and please don’t give up.

    P.S. See my blog post: http://migrainepuzzlepieces.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/my-hope-my-dream-mham-2014-blog-challenge-day-2/. It explains how I am able to cope with a bright future in mind.

      • You’re right. I’ve never had a timer placed on my life. I know I can’t possibly know how frightening and devastating that must be for you and your family. And how excruciating your pain must be. I’m sure this is why your blog is such an inspiration for many and why I started following.

        Again I look forward to reading more.

        • I love what lady migraine wrote. I’ve only just started following so I don’t know you as she does, but from what she wrote you sound pretty special to your followers but most importantly to your family. Like Lady Migraine says you are allowed to feel despair. To feel anger … but please don’t give up. You are so valuable.

        • Thank you so much, I appreciate this comment and that you are also trying to comfort Michael. My name is elizabeth 🙂 thanks for following my blog too!

        • No problem. Michael’s poem touched my heart. I couldn’t just read it and move on.

          Your comment is also touching. Thanks to both you and Michael for following my blog too :).

          – Skylar

  3. Michael, just know I care about you as a person too, not just as an advocate and writer. I know that you have been an amazing son to your parents and an amazing boyfriend / fiancé to Venus. Your parents and grandparents do NOT want you to die just so they no longer have to pay for your care. I read your Mother’s Day post and KNOW how well you treat the people you love and the kind of man you are. But there is also this: in your situation you are *allowed* to feel despair. You are allowed to be angry, to want to give up. It doesn’t seem like your various doctors have been super great to you, and like you said, you need inpatient care right now when that doesn’t really exist for someone in your situation. May I ask… have you been given a specific timeline? Is that the “12 years” you spoke of? I understand why you want to give up. Because I sometimes do too, and even though I can no longer work myself I experience MAYBE 1/100th on my *worst* days of what you go through every day.

    Email me if you can think of ANY WAY I can help you from here. I mean it.

  4. I have no idea what to say except that I am so sorry you are suffering so deeply. I’ve found your blog to be very helpful to me (I have chronic migraines and other health issues). Hugs to you and your family.

    • Thank you so much Kate it was a rough day and life has only been getting worse but I’ll fight through it I rally think I just need a temporary change of setting I’m getting cabin fever stuck in this dark corner of my home.

  5. Dear Michael,
    I was saddened to read your June 8th blog. It is difficult for me to comprehend the pain and discomfort you are feeling, but I know from reading your blog and the comments that follow that your determination and courage have given other people strength.

    I wish words could take away your pain. I know my words are easy to say, and your life is not easy to live. Please remember that your life has meaning for your family and friends.

    You are in my prayers.

    Fondly,
    Debbie Dooling.

    • Thank you Debbie and I love all the cards you’ve sent I keep every single one! I hope to write back to you soon and keep writing back and forth. You are such a sweet lady to take the time to write me thank you!

  6. We are friends of your grandparents, Harry and Eleanor. We have been and will continue to hold you in our hearts and prayers. Andrea and Chet Davis

  7. Michael, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was something, anything, that I could say or do to be of comfort. One thing I do believe is that there is more to this life and the next that is just beyond our comprehension. Just imagine that you were born in Florida AGEs ago and had no knowledge of anyplace or anything else. Could you even have imagined at that time such a simple thing as SNOW!! I believe that there is more than than meets the eye or the intellect. I hope today is a better day for you than yesterday. Love, Aunt Joan

  8. Michael, Knowing how much you enjoy cars Ive collected a few more and will get them to you. In the meantime know how many people love you.
    PS I really enjoyed the time we spent together over lunch and hope that we can do it again
    Love ED

  9. Michael, We have not seen or even contacted you as often as we should, but be sure we have followed you and your problems on line and even more importantly through your loving grandparents, Harry & Eleanor. As ever, our concerns & thoughts are about you and our prayers for better days are with you. Certainly, you
    are an inspiration to and have helped so many. We encourage you to stay strong, hope and continue your outstanding work.
    Betty & Martin

  10. I know that you’re doubting yourself right now, but the Michael I know will pull himself out of this. I understand how it feels to be a burden on other people since I’m constantly reminded of it almost every day. You have such a great support system in place that I just know you will come to accept this and will do as much as you can…live as much as you can…in the time you have left. You know we all love you and are here for you. Chronic illness depresses even the strongest of people, but I have faith that you will pull yourself out of the hole. You have a lot of people who admire your strength. Don’t give up on that.

    • Don’t worry I’m still here strong as ever fighting daily for more strength yesterday was just extremely tiresome and I put myself through food shopping session with my mother for the first time in years at BJ’s, I insisted on picking up and helping with everything no wheelchair at all and now I’m paying the price, but it was all worth it to see my mother smile.

      • I’m sure it was worth it 🙂 . Of course after busy days always comes the crash. I’m used to it by now. I can get through a lot by running off that adrenalin, but it’s really bad for the system. The longer I go, the longer I’m down. The worst is when it’s things you HAVE to do things like go to doctors appointments and such after running on full speed for too long.

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