Today I’m going to attempt yet another hard day but something I think my fiance Venus needs, we will be going out,,,dun dun dun. Yep we will first be going to a park for a few hour and later a restaurant where no matter how few people it’s alway too loud and noisy for me nowadays.I know I will enjoy the food but the wait can potentially be agonizing especially for a refill on drinks if we get a bad waitress which we’ve been fortunate enough to avoid in the past! I hope today goes well as for where we’re going let me show you a picture either Eisenhower Park or Old Westbury Gardens! I love both as it’s green as can be and you can find shade at either venue and have a picnic or just lie there and read. So I enjoy both the only difference is Eisenhower Park is free whilst Old Westbury Gardens carries an entry fee of $10.
I enjoy both these places but I feel like such a burden going in a wheelchair. I know I’m not but I can’t help but feel that way! I got dressed up because I don’t like to both look AND feel like crap. So I put on dress pants and a sports coat to bring with me. I’ll probably also bring this Samsung Chromebook to work on my book and my Kindle Paperwhite to read a little. As long as it stays hot and dry I think I’ll be ok if it get humid though that in itself could trigger a migraine and so could the discomfort caused by it. We’ll be taking lots of pictures I hope as I will also bring my Canon T3i. My fiance and I now have new matching towels and a bag for our little picnic with my last name on them. It was a very thoughtful gift from my cousin Jeanine other than that we got checks and cash for the most part. Which we are thankful for and will be investing in a mutual fund for our future together, and as promised we’re donating to both the Vasculitis Foundation and Migraine Research Foundation!
I didn’t feel too good about life earlier today, in fact I’m still feeling a bit down and out. Hopefully seeing Venus will bring me out of that mood completely but I doubt it Im too damn focused on my mortality today, I really don’t want to die at 35. But I have to somehow tuck that aside in my mind and make it through the day without saying anything about it I’m scared of triggering one of Venus’ panic attacks, which she suffer in part due to me. So I really don’t want to set her off! We don’t need two chronically ill people running around our family so I want Venus to be able to relax.
I’m so hopeful that my pain will be relieved a bit so I can relax and hide my pain from Venus. And just as I said that a cluster headache came on bouncing my migraine pain to a 10 folks this shit is getting ridiculous I cant hide this mask or the rushing sound of O2, or wanting to shop my fucking head off and use it as a bowling ball, but i’ll try my best. All I can be expected to do is try my best this is some painful shit im going through here. Sometimes I don’t know how I get through a day without killing myself, but then I think who will be there for everyone else the patients, my family, my fiance etc. I know better than to harm myself but please please we need more money for research of cluster headaches! Anyway I’m sorry for going off topic point is even though i’m in agony right now I’m going to fight it for Venus, not for me, just for her. I am almost at my breaking point I feel so agitated folks I don’t know what to do to calm down right now ugh. I suppose all I can do is put my feelings into words and convey them to you.