Death & Pain

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I hate living with all this pain

flowing like needles through my veins

ripping and slashing their way through

with no care for the body at all.

What can I  do but take these opiates

that don’t work but they keep making me take this shit

It hurts so much I don’t know how long I can take it

My brain truly feels like shit I don’t know how I tolerate it!

I fucking hate living in this world

My fucking brain is in  a swirl

where the hell am I even at in life

who the hell know

I don’t even know when I’ll finally pass on

Nobody knows.

11 thoughts on “Death & Pain

  1. Michael, good for you for expressing your anger. I’m glad I’m not the only cursing headache blogger! Are you still in the hospital? Have they given you dilaudid in your IV? Sometimes that is the only one that helps me, but the pain usually comes back. At least maybe 20 minutes of relief? I do know your pain is far worse than mine. So sorry. 😦

      • Michael I am SO sorry. I know you were so hopeful that something good would come of your appts today. My plan right now sucks also, but I’m not terminal and I have only the head pain not the vasculitis etc. I cannot IMAGINE pain that even a few mg of IV dilaudid wouldn’t dull. I mean, at my worst it takes multiple doses but it does eventually help. I don’t know what to say except what I always say: hang in there. :/

        • I can take multiple doses of morphine with Dilauded, Valium, and Ativan and it doesn’t dull my pain one damn bit. Sometimes I think this is all a dream and can’t be true that I belong in a psych ward somewhere so I can stop making my family sad.

        • I have two little girls so we have been watching the movie “Frozen” a lot. Elsa has powers to freeze things, but she doesn’t know how to control them. Her father counseled her over and over: “Conceal it. Don’t feel it.” Of course over time that plan backfired horribly. Concealing, refusing to feel anger or sadness, not discussing the harsher aspects of chronic pain is useless, but a lot of people do that. You have the added issue of non-curability / eventual terminal. You can’t be positive all the time especially after more failed treatments and disappointing doctor visits. You have every right to be angry and depressed. Your parents and Venus don’t want you institutionalized though; and they have to feel sad and defeated sometimes too. You will get through this stage of grief and feel more positive again, but for now, FEEL it. Don’t conceal it. Express it in poetry like you always have. All your readers are here for you. So, so sorry. 😦

        • Thank you so much for typing this it meant the world to me to read this comment on such a dismal day. Thank you I will continue to release my emotions through writing and I have a big announcement to make today as well! I am officially a US pain Ambassador!

  2. Stay strong Mike I will see you on Monday with some new old stuff. Praying our love can dull the pain. Love , Gpop

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