Open book

Days like this makes me have to really try and take a step back from life and try and process what has happened. While, I have been battling my anxiety I have learned a few things about myself. One major problem is that I tend to keep my mind racing and going without stopping to process it. My auto pilot mode. It gets me through the moment.

Problem: doesn’t allow me to feel my emotions and let my body react.

When this happens usually reach a breaking point and my nerves get shot. So here is my way to cope.

To start was not having my coffee. I know really Venus but for me that’s something that part of my routine and today I didn’t have time to make it. I woke up late because I couldn’t sleep well. So I arrive at work go about my day which was swamp with paperwork and office drama. I then called to check on my car at the mechanic during lunch and find out that my car aka Bert was something that had to get fix. However my mechanic didn’t believe it was worth it. I still have to see what’s up but hearing that really sucked.

He was my first car, my first investment, one that I allowed my family to use despite it’s oldness. But when I call and tell my mom she brushes it off like oh well. As well as my youngest brother. I was so frustrated and angry. How dare they treat it as it was nothing while I allowed them to use it when needed and rearranged my schedule to help out and allow the usage.

To top it all off was again I wasn’t able to see Michael. Again I was away when they told him more news. Again I wasn’t there to comfort him or at least hold his hand as how much comfort as I could. Again I feel like I wasn’t a fiancé. One used and one who has lost her voice for a bit.

It’s days like these that really get me and feel defeated. Here lies my coping mechanism for all to see and for all to feel. But really what are they in the grand scheme of things?

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