I’ll say it right now emotions aren’t all that easy to control when you’re having a rough time in life. Especially when you have an illness that contributes to mood swings things can get really out of hand. I have mood swings plus cluster headaches and a terminal illness which lead to thoughts about suicide often, but what is important to know that its in your head. Obviously suicide isn’t a way out, sure some of us think about it but you don’t want to actually plan it out and have a time you plan on doing it that means you’ve been pushed just a little too far, maybe a lot too far and you need help. Whether you like it or not you’re better off spending a portion of your night in a psych ward where you cannot hurt yourself than ending your life. I’ll say it right on my blog I’ve been taken to a psych ward for being very suicidal, my parents called, yes it was traumatizing and yeah I was mad at them for several weeks. The thing you have to realize is you’re still here and regardless of how much illness you suffer there are still some joys in life. What about just taking a nice breath of fresh air into your healthy lungs or eating a homemade meal? There were times I couldn’t do that, what about walking down the street or taking your dog out for a jog? I can no longer do that so I no longer take it for granted in fact I battle every day to regain these privileges.
You can’t do it on your own that’s why I worry about those whose families don’t support them. I am lucky enough to have a very supportive family including my grandparents and fiance as well as all of her family. That isn’t enough though you can’t tell everything to your family and even though I do reveal a lot of my life and emotion through my writing there are just some things so negative or heartbreaking I may not have the courage or strength to make that public. Sometimes you need to speak with a tried and true professional in psychology. This is why I see Dr. Dawn Buse. She makes me feel less guilty for being a burden on everyone and helps me to accept my chronic illness and live with it. She has taught me to embrace the gifts I’ve been given to help others rather than think about dying or agony all the time.
Inevitably I do think about my pain and agony often but when I do I turn it into poetry. If you’ve read it you know it’s raw emotion and it isn’t for everyone. I curse, I criticize, and I can be vulgar but just like a hip-hop artist whose songs you rock out to even though they’re talking about sawing someone in half I too write some of this as a story. Not my articles everything in these is true, but when it comes to my poetry I am releasing emotions. So I often write what my emotions dictate, it often relates to my life, but sometimes it’s a great exaggeration and with some things I downplay their importance. I mean I am not against the FDA but I get really frustrated with some policies at time so I’ll blast them in a poem, that doesn’t mean I hate them or wouldn’t work with them. People have to understand that what you see in art is merely your own interpretation that doesn’t mean it’s what the artist meant to portray. So you see art of any form really helps you express yourself in ways one cannot normally through a conversation. I am now getting into songwriting- I have lyrics that I’d like to hear from an angry hardcore rapper and lyrics I’d love to hear with a country vibe, it’s all about how you let the emotions flow out of you at the time. It’s a gift to learn how to control your own emotions so take your time, try different methods, get some books and do your own research, and perhaps learn biofeedback at the very least you’ll control your breathing far better.
All in all what I am trying to get across to my readers here is don’t give up on releasing your emotions. I found poetry and writing by mistake as I started to keep a migraine journal, who knew it would turn into almost 5,000 people reading and paying attention to what I write. Now I sit on the shoulders of my audience knowing I bring joy to people and help some each and every time I put my fingers to these keys. That is a gift I don’t know why me but each of us has this capability and no you don’t need drugs to be creative anyone who says that is just ridiculous. Just remember to stay strong and fight your battle, but at the same time find some support groups and/or forums these people will help you preserve what quality of life you have. Little did I know when i did this for myself that these people would become my extended family and many of them will be there before even friends and family because they truly know what you are going through. Stay strong warriors I am back to writing and no I won’t be here as often but you will get quality articles from me from here on out. I want to make you think about how you’re going about life, to make helpful suggestions, to write self help articles that you’ll actually print out and follow. My goal in life is to help you and even if I’ve made you laugh, giggle, smile, or feel like you are no longer alone I’ve done my job because that means more to me than all the money in the world.