Picture 18

I feel like a total an utter failure today I won’t lie. Honestly I feel like I should be arrested for laying idly by and letting all of this happen. I mean when I became so sick I no longer could contribute to my family any longer. I can’t help physically, monetarily, or keep anything in order. It hurts to high heaven that I am useless in this house I just wish I could up an disappear like a mouse. As you can see I’m hiding behind rhymes because in these hard times revealing one’s true emotions is a grind.

Let me speak face to face with you and let you know what I’ve been going through and how tragic it’s been to my memory. Lately I’ve been having problems keeping sane because I can’t use my body and brain like everyone else can and this makes me feel insane so all I want to do is rip off the window panes. I’m not strong enough to work at all I consider myself a Neanderthal because I am not earning anything at all, all I do is seem to cost money for my medications, my oxygen, and doctors that look at me  funny. I just wish this was all a cruel dream, that I could go back to 16, and re-do this whole thing. I should’ve earned some money for my family but no I was greedy I kept every last cent for me. I didn’t even donate and when my grandmother suggested it I just shook my head like a moron luckily she made me do it and I can say I donated to St Jude’s now. That isn’t enough though I was a terrible person before now I believe I should have acid poured on me and my eyes gouged out.

What have I done that nobody else could do, I am worthless on this place they call Earth. I am having a crisis of identity and mine just isn’t worth a cent, instead people would rather ignore that shit. Who knows when I’ll be normal again it could be now, 2016, 3010, I have no idea when this agony will end but it has to eventually right my friend? And now I have a home care nurse and a home physical therapist, when will they stop all these requirements? All this is going to do is cost me money and make my family hate me, inside I’m so ugly. I just wish that somebody would love me despite the fact that they can’t get anything from me. Maybe religion is a façade and all these people don’t believe in a god, once the food runs out they believe in killing and I just ain’t that type of villain.

Sorry if I’ve brought you down today this hasn’t been easy to write for me. I hope that I die soon where I lay because all of this non contribution I cannot take. All I want to do is become an artist to make money from my words and images the ones you provoked, but it seems that’s false hope and that my rhymes are far from what they’d call “dope”. I hope you got something out of this crap I write because otherwise I’m just feeding the dust mites. Anyways remember to always act right don’t disrespect your elders and always help the benevolent one in a school fight.

3 thoughts on “Failiure

  1. Hay Mike , every word you write is filled with wisdom only old people acquire, you get it through pain of body and brain, something that at your age you should not have to worry about but do endure. Please have courage to see this through as there are many people and one good dog depending on you for your continues love and good advice. Most great artist and philosophers were suffering from some great problem or illness so hang in there, do your best, all we ask is for you to keep trying, you are not a terrible person, but filled with love and understanding well beyond your age, you owe us nothing, there is no bill for love. Gpop

  2. Hello Michael, I want to thank you for your work and strength. A good friend of mine has had experiences just like yours. He is doing much better these days and is very strong and wise person because of his experience. Regarding your family, you should know that they all love you and want to see you get better and that is why they make sacrifices for you. Like Gpop said, some of the greatest people in the history of the world suffered deeply before producing timeless work.

    It may seem far fetched, but you must remember that the body is a simply vessel and the development of the mind is the greatest achievement.

  3. This is a long hard road. The pain and illness needs so much energy and takes so much strain from the body that it steals from the mind. It takes the positive chemicals and hormones away until we don’t have happy thoughts to balance out the bad. The illness lies to us. Creates more and more down days.
    Please try to remember that the thoughts you are having that tell you you are a bad person are from long term pain and chronic illness- not rooted in truth!!!
    It is your reality though and I know that because I fall in and out of it myself.

    You are so good and creative to write that entire post with all of that wordplay. I often read poems on WordPress and I wonder what makes them poems at all since the tradition of wordplay in any fashion has been forgotten. I appreciate that you have a good sense of poetry. Thank you for sharing your voice. I imagine your family feels they are in the fight alongside you ((hugs))

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