Depression Prevails

RANT

Hi folks, lately I’ve been quite depressed and it has certainly impacted my decision making. It seems I’m trying to do too much at once, yet not enough at all in the moment. I catch myself lying down for uncanny amounts of hours due to simple fatigue yet my body refuses to beat it so that immense span of time is all but wasted.

I’ve been working on several topics some for self improvement and some strictly to grain a source of income without taking the government check that I seemingly cannot avoid. PTSD has played a big role in my life lately as every day and night I’ve been having flashbacks to bad times during my illness. One that keeps playing over and over in my mind is when a nurse stripped one of my veins removing a PICC Line rapidly which also alarmingly had long white discharge at the end of it which could’ve come detached in my aorta. I’d been begging the home care nurse to look at the hole in my arm as it was clearly infected but for weeks all she would say was “we’ll check on it next week”. Then when it got bad enough even she could see the disgusting infection that had formed without the dressings on it. The circular scar remains to this very day. I can’t stop replaying that in my head nor some other instances of sheer pain and sadness, right now depression plagues my mind and I have no way out. My friends don’t want to hear this, and my fiance is out so I suppose all one can do is write to himself and have faith the pain will end. There are other things that set me off but I’d really rather not reveal them all.

Another instance I’ve failed in has been completing my next book which should’ve been done and seeking a publisher already. I’ve still been writing towards it but my progress towards a full length book has slowed greatly. I really do want to release something that at the very least pays for a year of living at home for me. It would be extraordinary to have some money to invest or to reinvest in my writing by taking classes in that or art so I can do my own illustrations. I just don’t know how to get that spark back, it isn’t like thousands of people are waiting on a preorder I have maybe 50 people waiting for a copy which kind of makes the word sales laughable when applied to me.

Lastly is the slow development and little activity my business has. I promised the website back in september but since then the business plan has changed so much that’s impossible. I still have to advertise locally that I have started a business so I won’t be suspended and then I also want to procure a small vacant shop for sales. It’s tremendously depressing to me that I can’t bring a paycheck into this home. I feel like a subhuman, like something that should live in the gutter, that doesn’t deserve medication, that doesn’t deserve a doctor’s attention…I feel like an abused animal. Hopefully something uplifting will help me to keep this business going, I don’t think my family understand the risk/reward of such an idea, my goal is not to make a living for just me, my goal is to make enough for our entire household to live on and put any exttra money into precious metals and a mutual fund.

I absolutely hate being depressed but lately that’s what has been keeping me from writing about health. Trust me I really want to go back to writing for you daily with an upbeat attitude and the intention of helping someone every day. However lately I’ve just been too far gone mentally. It makes me feel horrible but that’s the honest truth I’ve been too depressed to help out my family. Thank you all for reading and I am open to suggestions, I’ve taken the earliest visit my psychologist has which is early December.

3 thoughts on “Depression Prevails

  1. Oh Michael, I’m so sorry. Please please you can barely function through this pain, you have to not worry so much about your book and business. I know it’s hard but your family just wants you comfortable, they aren’t going to expect you to bring money in at this point when you can barely get out of bed. As for your friends/ readers, as long as you keep writing and letting us know how you are, we don’t care about a new book or website. We care about YOU.

  2. I know how demeaning it can be to feel like you are not able to contribute, only depend on others. It makes you feel useless, but you are important to so many and loved by people. We need to remember, I need to remember, you need to remember that we have value and worth. We, you have something unique to say and the world needs to hear it, whenever you are able.

  3. Listen to your friends, there is no hurry for to complete anything more than to improve your health, we will gladly wait for the rest. Love always no matter what! Gmom & Gpop

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