** I wrote this around 12am today but am only able to release to you guys now. This helped me alot and I hope to keep my writing alive again””
Now this feels weird sitting here typing to you guys. It has sadly been a while. I want to say that it has been time that has cause my hiatuis. That I just haven’t had it to be able to sit down and write to you all but that is not the case. I guess I just haven’t wanted to face the inner thoughts and feelings that have been plaguing me. You see sitting here typing is my way to bare my soul to the world. For most of days evolve me putting on a fake smile, saying I’m doing great, and saying that I will plan to do something soon. Everything that I write here is from the corners of my heart, my soul, and above all else the truth. I can’t lie to myself or the followers. It is one thing that I’m glad I have back into my life but something that is not easy to do. I use to write a lot when I was younger in journals that were scattered all over the place and none of it made sense. But it was something that I enjoyed for myself.
Today, I have just hit the point where I finally felt the completely urge to sit down and type away. I’m literally just sitting here typing on my ipad as I have my niece Isabel sitting right next to me ( She should really be asleep its 12am but I let it slide). Its her little face that has me doing this
For those of you don’t know, I am Michael’s fiancé. I have been dating him since freshman year of college at Stony Brook University. As many of you do know, he has been dealing with his chronic illness for quite a number of years, and I as his fiancé I help to take care of him. Sometimes this can be a strain on our relationship but we always work through it. The past couple of months have been ok considering the situation. Despite losing my precious dog Kilala back at the end of October and some breathing issues due to the vasculitis things have been ok for us, We even celebrated my birthday with my family and a surprise visit to my job. Unfortunately, that has took a little detour as to try and help his vasculitis they have put him on 2 kinds of chemotherapy, This has made him extremely weak and in need of constant care.
Fast forward to today with a 4 am wake up call of Michael in pain and needing help to go to the restroom. I of course got up and helped him with his wheelchair to the restroom. He made it to the toliet but on his way out his knees gave out and I supported his weight enough to ease him down to the floor but unfortuantely he still suffered more pain. Right there, I knew I fucked up. I know what some might think ” oh but how could you have avoided that you were helping him.” When you deal with someone in constant pain and usually there is nothing to do about but at least to provide support. You wish to give comfort in anyway possible including not causing more harm to the person. Needless to say his parents woke up and help me aid him back to the couch where we were up for the rest of the day.
Around 10am, his father came back from a side job and we had mentioned that today was his mother Alicia birthday. With everything that had been going on with his health and the holidays we hadn’t had a chance to discuss what to get her. Since she owned a pandora charm bracelet we thought it be simple to just buy some charms for her. Due to his weakness I volunteered to go by myself while he stayed with his father to keep an eye on him. As I was getting ready I had simply asked a question of what ideas he might have in mind in regards to themes for the charm, and I was responded with a smart remark. I took it as him being in pain and brushed it off but it’s not easy to deal with.
After purchasing the gift, balloons, the cake, and lunch, and hanging out with his nice cousin Melissa from florida I figured once everything was said and done that I would get some rest or at least some one on one time with Michael. I ended up watching football and listening to Mike typing away for all you guys. I’m not saying anything is wrong with that. Not at all since he has been feeling so terrible its a great release for him to speak with you guys, share his experiences, and give advice. How can I be mad at that? But I guess my mind was not in the mood to be the nice supportive girlfriend that I usually am and got really annoyed.
It started to scream at me to to be selfish and say how I was feeling. But instead of saying anything or being my loud mouth self I kept all to myself and just played with my phone and watch football. During all this I was getting messages about going out for the night for my baby brother Christopher birthday. I didn’t plan the night, didn’t set a time, didn’t even pick a place, I just mentioned it to some friends who agreed they would go for him and that was that.
Well, since chris had went out the night before he decided that he didn’t want to go out anymore. I was completely fine with that but some people were annoyed that they had changed plans or had been looking forward to going out and let me know that how was how they felt. Again, I had no part in the planning but I apologized for the inconvenience it may had caused and stated that we could do something else even though I was starting to just want to be left alone. By the time Michael mom got home all I wanted to do was leave and be left alone but I had said i would go over to a friend house to hang out and my brothers were to come with. I left with a simple goodbye and headed off to see what was going on at home.
When I arrived home, I was greeted by a grumpy brother who just wanted to go and use my car since I had it all day and he had no mode of transportation to do some things. Again, I should have said something like I wasn’t in the mood or why didn’t you mention anything, and again I ignore that and apologized again and gave him the keys and simply ask me to be dropped off to my friend’s house.
Now keep in mind I wanted to be home in bed but decided to put a game face on a say hi to some people. I thought it be good for me from running around all day and doing things for other people that it would be a good distraction. As I sat conversing with my friends I had asked one of them how her date with my brand new pair of leather boots that my mom had given me for christmas. She stated that she never came to pick them up from my house because she fell asleep and didn’t have time to get them. Now what you guy don’t know is I had left my shoes on the side of my house in a bag for her to grab them on Friday afternoon. It was Saturday night and it had been raining and hailing ALL DAY! I guess my mind snapped, and this one little accident that my friend committed, was the thing that broke the dam that was holding the emotions from the past couple of weeks. I looked at her and stated ” you left my leather boots sitting in the pouring rain all night and day!” My voice was calm as well as my tone but the look that my face was conveying was one of just anger. She started to apologize and that she would by me a new pair, it was an accident after all. Normally, i would have just said “fuck” and brushed it off they were just shoes. But after the day I had. The holding back of emotions, doing things for everyone else, I had enough. I got up grabbed my coat and keys and left. I went back to my house to hope that someone had saw them and brought them in thinking I was being dumb. I really wished someone did. Instead, I was greeted with them full of water, soaked, and the plastic bag it was in filled with water as well.
In that moment, I had enough. I started to cry and hit the side of my car. Eventually I got myself together, went back to my friend house, gathered the remainder of my stuff and said my goodbyes the best I could to everyone. But they already knew I had to be just left alone.
I know what you may be thinking, really shoes, shoes made you crack. But when your constantly trying to take care of someone else or always trying to please other people, the little things you receive become tokens of gratitude. My own little trophies. These boots were from my mother who had been debating for weeks what to get me, tried a bunch of different stores, and asked two young ladies she stated to help her with the style. All because she wanted to make me happy. I treasured that. I had been reluctant to let them be borrowed but I wanted my friend to be happy and she was always lending me stuff so I said why not. and for my luck it be left out there all day in the rain after I had been running around all day in the rain for other people I just took as damn life wants me to just be mad.
I arrived back home mad, upset and frustrated with my life. Nothing I did was going right, and in my mind everything came hitting me and I started to just beating myself more and more. It wasn’t until I rounded the corner in my house at the top of my stairs walking to my room when I heard a little voice go “Titi, Titi is that you?” Isabel. I saw her pick her head up over the blanket in my mother’s room and even in the dark her little eyes brighten just by the mere sight of me.
It was coming home to her face and seeing her light up despite the time, getting up, and running into my arms saying ” Titi I’ve been waiting for you, I missed you so much I just want you to know that I love you while I still have you here with me. ” It was if the universe was saying hey you need a hug and what better way than her. This made me tear up and squeeze her so tight. This innocent little 3 year old girl has no idea how she just help clear the storm going on inside my head. Because that moment right there is what life is really all I want. Being able to show your emotions the good and the bad and having your loved ones love you no matter what. She didn’t care it was late, she didn’t care i was wet and cold from the rain, heck she didn’t even care that a minute ago my face was one of pure anger. She wanted me to know she loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what. It was right there that I realize I have to sometimes just take the bad days but enjoy the little moments that make the bad worth it. Luckily my little izzy did that for me. I have been lonely since my dog has passed and I think it hit me harder than I realize.
I sit here now typing to you this because I do not want my emotions and feelings to be hidden. It is not healthy. It is not healthy to put everyone ahead of yourself. It is not healthy to keep your mouth shut just because you don’t want to stress a situation. For my readers who suffer from chronic pain, this applies to you as well. Don’t be ashamed that you need help. Don’t keep it to yourself how upset, angry and depressed you are. You have a right. But its what you do with these emotions that determine what kind of person you want to be. You could go hide in a hole and cry, or sit there and do nothing with yourself. Or you can make it be know this is how your feeling and you want something to be done about it even if you need some help. I’m not saying worlds are going to shift because you expressed yourself, sadly that is not the way the world works sometimes. But it allows you to be free of these emotions being bottled up.
Im sorry this is mainly a rant but I hope it helps those of you out there who consider yourself a caretaker or chronic I’ll or if you feel the world is going to hell. Its ok to feel how you feel, let your loved one know how you feel, but above all else do something positive about it so that maybe it can help someone else who may be in the same situation you are.