As many of you know MIke had been in Minnesota for 2 weeks now visiting the Mayo Clinic in order to get some answers. It has definitely not been an easy road. I just wanted to give you an update on how I’ve been dealing with it from a different point of view.
To start the Mayo Clinic is a long place away from New York so his mother and him had to go by themselves in a new city, new doctors, new facility in hopes that someone could do something to help. I wanted to go with Mike to begin with but he said he didn’t know how long he would be there and that his mother would be with him. For me it was tough being stuck at home. I unfortunately could not go to begin with because my job does not provide benefits for me such as sick or vacation so I had to stay. But as the days went on the, the visits piled on the more medical terminology thrown, and still no answers, the more my anxiety started to build. Especially since my parents have gone away for vacation and it was just me and my brother Alex home taking care of the dogs. But even he started to notice my anxiety build. At one point catching me in my room crying because I kept getting texts worrying me. As caregivers it can get hard to realize the trouble you have within yourself especially while dealing with someone who you love suffering from pain that no one seems to have an answer to. I think the most part of the anxiety was me not being there and get half answers from him every time we spoke and heard his misery.
On Tuesday, as I was stuck home due to the blizzard that hit NY, I got word that Michael was doing bad and that his spine was having issues. I realized then that despite the stress of my job and home I needed to do something for him. I needed to be there. Even if i couldn’t physically do something to help, mentally I believed I could settle his mind one way or another.
Now I just want to state one thing. I did this because yes I love Michael, and yes I wanted to be there for him, but I also did it because mentally and physically I knew I could handle it. As I always say Caregivers must be able to take care of themselves before trying to take care of others because if you try to help you could actually cause more stress the well being due to your own mental state. I knew I was able to do it because even though my parents were away I had amazing friends who were listening to me complain and hear how worried I was but kept me distracted with activties. Even my best friend Barbara visited and we were able to exchange christmas gifts. You need to have a support system to boost you up and keep you going when things are down. Or at least a hobby that can keep you distracted and help grow your body and mind.
Luckily, his wonderful mother offered to buy my airplane ticket in order for me to see him and help in some sort of way. I was so happy. But I had to conquer another hurdle by myself. Taking an airplane to Minnesota by myself with a connecting flight in Chicago. I never had done this before and never had a fear of flying but when you do something new by yourself it can be quite scary not gonna lie. It was also some adventure as my flight got delayed in Chicago and I kept getting hit on by some men who were sitting in front of me wondering why i was by myself. After all that, and a polite smart remark to the men, I finally made it to Minnesota and saw my love despite his misery and pain. I would do anything for this man and luckily with a wonderful manager and understanding boss I was able to do it. granted I would have left one way or another but it was good to know they understood why I did what I had to do.
I sit here now typing this to you. one to give an update because many of you have been asking and two to let people know if you put your mind to anything even something as conquering your anxiety you can achieve anything. Its not easy taking care of someone sick or in pain especially for a young person as myself. But No one should ever have to fight alone and I would not let my Michael or his mother be here with out some sort of support. I now have a shirt from the mayo clinic that even supports my thought as seen below.
I hope this helps someone who is also separated from a love to understand that it is ok to be upset worried and anxious. But please take care of yourself while your away because you never know when you will be needed.